How To Set Her Up For Success

How To Set Her Up For Success


MARCH, 2019

FACT: The Teen Years are Not The Years For You To Back-off as a Parent

I get… she’s finally older and can stay home alone, make her own meals, order her own food, drive (or Uber) wherever she needs to go, and is very comfortable using the credit card that you provide. She is practically an adult and has achieved a certain level of independence. I understand this and know that it’s easier now to have more freedom as a parent…

I also know that despite what she is able to do because of her age, this is where when your presence matters even more than you may realize. This is because despite what comes out of her mouth, your teen really needs to know that you are there to support her. She needs to know that you are watching her and ultimately, that you really do care about her. Of course she knows that you do, but she still needs to be reminded because she is confused about so much of what is going on in her world that the fact that she knows you are there, loving her through it all, is huge for her.

Because of the nature of the world we live in, as teens get older parents get more and more disconnected and less involved in the day to day. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, you do want her to be ready to manage life on her own before she heads off to college, but want to challenge you not to do so at the expense of knowing who she is spending her time with and how she is spending her time.

You probably realize that the older your teen gets, the less she wants your advice. Don’t you cherish those days she actually comes to ask you what you think she should wear or what she should do about her relationship status? Those moments may not be as frequent as they once were, but know that you still can influence her and you still can leverage the fact you really are still able to have biggest impact on her life. Yes, even more than her best friend.

Here are things for you to remember:

1. Don’t take anything too personally.

2. Think about when you were a teen.

Know that your daughter will act up, she will do something out of character, she will make mistakes, or she may even have to learn some of the lessons you tried so hard to save her from having to learn. It doesn’t always mean that something is wrong, often it means that you have a daughter you care about and want to protect. Not a bad thing at all, that’s parenting after all. You still can use every lesson learned as opportunity to affirm her. An opportunity to let her know that you still love her, and an opportunity to connect even more with her. Your connection is your influence. She is listening. And she does care what you think very much of the time. I know because my teen clients tell me. She loves you and she loves knowing how much you love her.

Remember, your teen still needs you. Your teen is still counting on you and still valuing what you say, or noticing what you don’t say.

I’m on a mission to inspire girls to stand up and shine. I want them to shine from the light deep within that comes from knowing and loving exactly who you are and sharing that person with the world. If your daughter is struggling to discover her beauty on the inside, the uniqueness that makes her beautiful in her own right, we need to talk! Book a complimentary call here


Teach Your Daughter How To Value Herself

Teach Your Daughter How To Value Herself



What can you say to your teenage daughter to teach her to value herself? What can you do to communicate with her in a way to build her up and teach her how to build herself up as well?

Valuing herself begins with helping her look within to first discover and then develop who she is. Getting to know what she loves the most about herself and what makes her unique is part of what I teach girls as their coach on their personal journeys to increase self-love.

As parents, we have a special opportunity to help her develop the qualities that make her special and unique. Encouraging her to be in tuned with person she is on the inside can be as simple as offering compliments that highlight those inner qualities often. The tendency is to give more attention to the negative because it’s easy to point out where our teenagers are making mistakes. It’s so easy to focus on where they have room for improvement that we tend to miss precious moments to acknowledge the greatness that our teens already have within.

Here are 6 ways to help your daughter learn to value herself:

1. Compliment Her Inner Qualities

Use every opportunity that you can to compliment her inner qualities, things like her compassion for others, her willingness to put in the hard work, her generosity… Society and her social circles will already be emphasizing her looks, and while it’s absolutely okay for you tell her she is beautiful, it’s worth the effort it takes to also compliment the qualities that are not as obvious as her physical appearance. Challenge yourself to emphasize the aspects of who she is that you want her to feel good about, that are on the inside, because those are not typically the compliments she is used to hearing.

You don’t want her to be defined mostly by her physical appearance. Obviously, that will change. You can really help her get to know who she is beyond her outward beauty and also be defined by the qualities that you know make her shine from within.

2. Help Her Identify Her Strengths

We tend to focus on the challenges. If you have a student and she’s not doing well in a subject at school, what do you do? You get her a tutor. If she’s constantly getting up late in the morning or she’s not waking up when the alarm goes off, we’re reminding her that she is staying up too late doing homework and because she’s not managing her time well during the day. As parents, we spend a lot of energy trying to “fix” or improve the areas where our children are not strong.

What if you also took the time to help her identify her strengths? Every client I work with knows exactly where she is strong and how to leverage what she’s naturally good at. A fun aspect of identifying strengths is that it also leads to conversation about what she is passionate about. I see so many busy parents that don’t realize just how much it means to their teens that they support their passions. If you are struggling to communicate with your daughter, this can also help you. Learning more about her passions and supporting her in them will take your relationship a long way. Helping her learn how to leverage what she’s good at will help her achieve the goals she has set to become successful.

3. Help Her Value Her Words

You really want her to pay attention to the words that are coming out of her mouth. Showing her how to reframe her negative self-talk, period. This is a big part of my work as a teen life coach. If this is an area where you need support, book a call so we can talk!

4. Help Her Value Her Role In The Family

This one is huge in my household. Do not be afraid to have high expectations, to have your girls do chores, and to implement consequences when you need to. It’s good for your daughter to feel that she has a role in your family, that she belongs, and she’s making a contribution to the greater good. And even more so, that you value her contribution by telling her. Affirming her role in the family and giving her a sense of responsibility for how the family works is so important and will also build her confidence.

Teenagers benefit from knowing their role is and what to expect on a given day. It gives them a sense of belonging and security. We all fear the unknown. When you can create an environment where they know the expectation and the consequences for their poor decisions, it provides the structure and security that helps when they’re out in the world having to make decisions on their own.

5. Show Her That You Value Her Opinion

Maybe you are planning a family vacation, ask her opinion. “Where do you want us to go?” or “What would you like to do?” You know they want to be adults, so give them the opportunities to have the adult conversation. Did you know that teens love to talk about politics? Give her the opportunity to explore her opinions, thoughts and passion with you. Talk to them and help them process the world around them. You might learn something, they might impress you. Do you watch TV with your daughter? I love the idea of sitting with them and watching the shows that they like. You are seeing what they are seeing and then you’ll be able to answer their questions and help her process the message that she sees in the media. You can also listen to music with her and then talk to her about it. Ask her for opinion and really hear what she has to say. This doesn’t mean you have to go along with what she says or agree with her, it means that you are showing her that her thoughts matter to you because you are giving her space to be heard.

6. Help Her Value The Effort

Praise the effort more than the outcome. This is especially true for girls who are high achievers, who have to have all A’s, and who put a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect. Compliment the effort that leads to the grade goes a lot further than complimenting the grade. It emphasizes the work. This works great with girls who are athletes as well. You really see someone’s character when they don’t win or don’t play the perfect game don’t you? As a parent, what other aspects of her game are worth praising? Could it be how she managed her schoolwork so that she was not overwhelmed with work on a gameday or her sportsmanship or leadership on the team? These are all ways to help her see the value of the effort she puts in.

I’m on a mission to inspire girls to stand up and shine. I want them to shine from the light deep within that comes from knowing and loving exactly who you are and sharing that person with the world. If your daughter is struggling to discover her beauty on the inside, the uniqueness that makes her beautiful in her own right, we need to talk! Book a complimentary call here


How To Help Your Daughter Become A Confident Communicator

How To Help Your Daughter Become A Confident Communicator



I have a son who loves to act silly and act funny and we refer to him as “the funny one,” the one who wants to always be the center of attention. And the more we encourage and reinforce that aspect of who he is, the more he lives up to it! Maybe you can relate?

We have this unintentional tendency as parents to label our children. Maybe your daughter is “the shy one,” or “the smart one,” maybe she’s “the diva” or “the quiet one?” What we are doing when we are labeling our children in that way, even when it’s harmless, is shaping their identity. In my program, Conquering Confidence, we help girls recognize such labels. Then, they decide if the labels support who they aspire to be or if they need to be released.

So for a girl looking for help building confidence, we spend time talking about what she would have to do or who she would have to become to be the more confident version of herself. We go through the labels that are self-imposed or imposed upon her by others and identify areas of growth to focus on in order to become more confident. The process begins with having a clear picture of exactly who she already is.

But what about communication? Part of becoming more confident includes communicating confidently and being able to show up confidently in the world. How do you help your daughter communicate confidently? Here are some questions to ask yourself first:

How does she speak…
How does she carry herself…
How does she make decisions…
How does she interact in her relationships…

Spending some time considering where she is now will help you know where to start as you support her growth.

Here are some of the areas to focus on to help your daughter become a confident communicator:

Confident Body Language

You know what this looks like, right? Observe your daughter….Does she smile? That’s one of the easiest thing that you can encourage her to do. Does she make eye contact? Is she engaged in conversations? Does she lean in or look like she is genuinely interested? One way that I teach girls to communicate with confidence is to convey that she is approachable. To do so requires her to pay attention to her body language. It’s more than the words that come out of her mouth, right?

So, what kind of posture does your daughter have? Is it open and inviting or is it a little bit more closed off? Does she nod her head in agreement to show that she is actually listening and paying attention? These are a few of the mannerisms to pay attention to. Also, notice what types of situations your daughters seems to be nervous or uncomfortable in. You can then take those opportunities to talk to her about what it would look like to be more confident in those situations. You can even model the behaviors for her.

Confident Conversation

What do confident people talk about? Not only themselves, right? Girls always say, they don’t want to be stuck up, they don’t want to be perceived as to arrogant.

And we can all think of person who is so insecure and talks about him or herself in a way that makes us uncomfortable as listeners.
This person may come across as self-deprecating or even loud and obnoxious, neither is what we want.

So let’s explore what real confidence looks like in conversation. What should your daughter say or do to really come across as self assure? One way that I teach this is to focus on making others feel more comfortable around you. So, you can practice this with your own relationships and with your daughter. What are you conveying in your interactions? Are you open? Are you inviting? You can practice these skills by observing the way people respond to you. If it’s not what you want, then try another approach and she if they respond any differently. Trying this yourself will help you learn how to help your daughter do the same. Observe her interactions with friends and others in her circle and you will have the insight you need to support her. If you need some help figuring out what you observe in your daughter and how to help her, send me an email! I’d love to help you with your specific situation.

Until then, here are two quick tips you can use at home that are super easy to implement:


1. Help your daughter learn how to take a compliment.

2. Encourage her to say what she needs to say (or ask what she needs to ask) without apologizing for it.

As women, we are all guilty sometimes. So pay attention the next time someone tells you “Your hair looks cute today! or “I love your outfit!” What do you say? Do you say thank you and smile? If so, that conveys confidence. Accept the compliment. If you see your daughter not accepting compliments and putting herself down instead, address that. Tell her it’s okay to simply say thank you.

What about over apologizing? I talk to girls about this all the time. If you hear your daughter say, “I’m sorry but..” and then proceed to ask a question then she needs to learn this skill. You can help her learn that what she has to say matters by pointing out to her that she has this habit. I make it simple with my clients and tell them not to apologize for what they have to say. If an apology is not in order, then don’t apologize.

Learning how to really communicate with confidence takes a lot of practice. You can help your daughter practice!

Is she really passionate about something?
Have a conversation with her about something that she is really passionate about so that she can speak from the heart. This is great practice for her because she is naturally going to exude confidence because she knows what she is talking about.

Expressing Gratitude

What a great way to build a bond! Expressing gratitude for something someone else does for you is a great connection with that person. Here’s why this can also help your daughter communicate with confidence. When you can literally look at someone and tell them you appreciate them, they will feel good about themselves. They’ll feel good about the interaction. Communicating confidently includes how you make the person you are speaking to feel.

I have so many ideas to help you raise a confident communicator, if you’d like support, I’m here for you! Feel free to book a call HERE, we can chat for 20 min and create up with a strategy just for your daughter!

I’m on a mission to inspire girls to stand up and shine. I want them to shine from the light deep within that comes from knowing and loving exactly who you are and sharing that person with the world. If your daughter is struggling to discover her beauty on the inside, the uniqueness that makes her beautiful in her own right, we need to talk! Book a complimentary call here button1a

Why I Love Seeing GIrls In Sports

Why I Love Girls In Sports



Participating in a sport is the one thing that I consistently find myself recommending to almost all of my clients looking for help building their confidence. I’m a firm believer of the benefits in participating in sports. I love to see girls in sports! And that’s what I’m sharing in this month’s blog post….

I spoke to my husband about because he was a professional athlete and is still very involve in sports. I asked him what he thinks is the biggest benefit to having a teenager participating in sports. Now, he and I have different answers to the same question, so I’m sharing both. Here are our top 2 reasons why we believe girls should be in sports:

1. To experience being part of a team

The lifelong relationships that develop from the sisterhood formed with teammates give your daughter a strong support system. A lot of parents come to me with girls who are having trouble making friends or who don’t have any friends at all. Sports provide an opportunity to have relationships with people who your daughter may not necessarily have chosen to be her friends. Being a part of a team can give your daughter a sense of belonging with her teammates. The shared experiences, highs of winning and the lows of losing all create a close bond within that group of girls. It brings families together. It brings the community together. That’s the support system that you want for your daughters to help her feel secure and to help her know she has a place where she is valued.

2. To develop an appreciation for their bodies

They are tackling a physical goal. The teen years are all about constantly working towards something, sometimes it’s a grade on an exam or it’s a long-term, major goal like a college acceptance. But there’s just something different about when it’s a physical goal. Whether it’s a team goal or an individual goal, your daughter has a chance to experience using her body in a very positive way. She is pushing it to a limit that otherwise she wouldn’t experience. There’s this confidence that comes from seeing your body reach new levels of high performance, confidence that comes from building physical strength, and knowing that you have it because you worked for it.

Girls in sports have a healthier body image and tend to be more successful in maintaining a healthy weight and managing stress. We all know the health benefits of exercise. Those body image issues are real for girls, it’s a huge issue. Consistent exercise from participating in a sport while she is younger makes it more likely for your daughter to incorporate exercise into her routine throughout her life.

My best experience with being in tip top shape was as an adult. I remember having the feeling that I could do anything I put my mind to once I was able to get in great shape. 5 years ago, I was in the absolute best shape of my entire life. I wanted to do an amateur boxing fight, so I was working out constantly. And I wasn’t much of an athlete in high school, I was involved in and played sports, but I was never close to being a superstar on any team. So when I started lifting weights for the first time, I discovered what it meant to be physically strong. I felt like I could face the world in a completely different way because being strong made me feel like no one could beat me, at anything. If you haven’t experienced that, I recommend even for you now as an adult to build your strength, it’s the greatest part of being in shape!

I also remember sitting in a seminar with my husband for pro athletes. The purpose of the seminar was to help support them in their endeavors after they retired from the NFL. The advice given to them was really eye-opening for me. Players were recognized for excelling in their dedication, work ethic, leadership skills, and ability to work in a group and team. All of the attributes that made these men great athletes that made it to the NFL would also translate into anything that they wanted to pursue when their playing days were over.

The same is true for your daughter. The skills that she can learn from being part of a team, or even a more individualized sport like boxing, swimming, etc, will translate into other areas of her life. The experience will build her confidence. She may realize that she is able to get along with a group of girls she never would have chosen to hang out with. She will learn leadership and teamwork, skills she can carry into a workplace.

She will learn the importance of goal setting. Coaches will have a vision and set long-term goals. Watching and being a part of the plan being executed allows her to see first-hand how all the different pieces come together to accomplish the goal. Getting better and better along the way is building her confidence and that’s the whole point.

I would really love to know what kind of sports you put your daughters in, or if you haven’t yet maybe you will now? Let me know and how it is working for her. And if you don’t know how to approach this, if it’s a new idea for you, let’s talk about it. Grab a spot on my calendar and we’ll talk more so that I can help you figure out the best way to incorporate the benefit of sports into your daughter’s life.

I’m on a mission to inspire girls to stand up and shine. I want them to shine from the light deep within that comes from knowing and loving exactly who you are and sharing that person with the world. If your daughter is struggling to discover her beauty on the inside, the uniqueness that makes her beautiful in her own right, we need to talk! Book a complimentary call here


10 Things Your Daughter Wants You to Know

10 Things Your Daughter Wants You to Know



I’m so excited about this topic because the points literally came from the mouth of the teen girls that I work with! What I’m sharing are the top 10 things that I hear my clients say over and again that I find myself saying, “gosh I need to chat with my parents about this!” So here they are….

Now, I’m not saying that every single teen girl says every single one of these, but these are common themes that I hear all the time. My hope is that from hearing their thoughts, you can tweak your perspective if it will help your personal situation with your daughter or make a slight change in something that you’re doing because of the insight you gain. Doing something a little different can bring you two closer and improve your communication. Plus, when you know better you do better, or in this case, when you hear what the girls say, you can use the information to your advantage. Take what makes sense to you, and leave what doesn’t, okay?

1. Your daughter really does look up to you, especially you moms.

She looks up to you. She respects you. She even values your opinion. She wants your opinion, but she doesn’t necessarily want to ask for it. Deep down she likes to know what your opinion is, yet she often doesn’t act like she even wants to consider it. If you just volunteer your opinion, she’s going to roll her eyes at you, but I promise you, she already knows what you think. She’s been with you since she was born. She already knows what you think. Trust me, when she’s out in the world, what you think is in her head. She really wants to have a deep relationship with you as her mom or dad.

2. When she comes to you with her problems, it’s not necessarily because she wants you to fix them.

Sometimes it’s that she really just wants to vent. Sometimes she gets home from school and she is so frustrated or stressed or overwhelmed that she wants to get it out and say what happened, but she doesn’t want you to attempt to solve her problems. She knows she can figure it out. She will when she’s ready. Just because she’s venting or complaining doesn’t mean she wants you to fix the problem right away or solve it for her. She just wants to know that she’s been heard and has a safe place to vent and get things off her chest.

3. She really considers what happens on social media to be an important part of her life.

Let me first say this, you’re not going to like this one but don’t shoot the messenger …..I’m just passing along what I hear. Her phone is really necessary. Social media is not just for fun…. in their minds. They feel so disconnected when they can’t keep up with what’s going on on Instagram, Snapchat, and all the social platforms. It drives her absolutely crazy when you act like it’s a game, toy, not important, or something that she really shouldn’t be paying attention to. Yes, they are glued to the phone. Yes, they FaceTime and text all the time.

I’m not saying you have to agree with them or even that you should allow this type of phone use. I don’t agree with their perspective either on this one. However, what I am saying is that by understanding just how important staying connected is to them, you can be sensitive to it when you approach the conversation. Or, maybe simply respecting their perspective even when it seems ridiculous.

When I work with families, I usually recommend they come up with a policy or system. Find a way to find a common ground where everyone in your household can come to terms with what you’re going to do as far as managing cell phones and social media. I have some clients who turn their phones in at night. They have to put them on the parents’ dresser or nightstand. Or, when it’s study time and they do their homework in their bedroom, they need to leave their cell phone in a central location downstairs, like on the kitchen counter. You just need to figure out what works for you and your family. I have another family, parents included, who choose to leave all cell phones off the dinner table. You can find a way to have some boundaries that work for your household. You can fight it if you want to, but the truth is, social media isn’t going away.

My suggestion is to figure out what platforms they are on and understand how they work, then set your boundaries and expectations for your family. I have one parent with a 17-year-old daughter who joined Snapchat. She just made up her mind to figure it out. She added her daughter as a friend on Snapchat. They found out they had a lot in common in how they both like to be silly. Snapchat has given them a chance to connect with each other, let their hair down, and use humor together, which ultimately improved communication.

4. She really doesn’t like it when you have conversations about family issues that she’s aware of, but you don’t include her in them.

What I hear from the girls is that they just can’t stand it when their parents don’t talk to them about it and aren’t open about it. They know what’s going on and all it does is makes them feel isolated and like you are treating them like a child. A “family issue” could be when there’s a big family secret or a stressful situation going on between you two as parents. Let me tell you, she knows all about it. She knows the secret, whatever it is. You may think she doesn’t know, but she knows.

What ends up happening is the parent will say “You’re just too young” or “You just don’t understand. Maybe when you’re older.” It’s really conflicting from her perspective. In one instance you are telling her, “Be responsible. You need to be mature. You’ve got to get ready for college.” But then when it comes to the “grown-up conversations”, she’s completely left out of them. So it sends a mixed signal because one minute we’re telling her to grow up and the next minute we’re telling her she’s not old enough. I’m not telling you that you need to tell her all your business, but I am telling you so that you are aware so you can figure out a way to make this work in your favor.

5. Her choice of clothes is not for the reasons you may think.

She doesn’t normally choose her outfits to look a certain way. She’s not trying to wear the slinky dress for the reasons that you might be thinking. Deep down she really is just trying to find her way and fit in. Or she wants to find her way, and not fit in at all. Different girls have different ideas on whether they want to go with the flow or against the grain, but either way it’s all about finding her way. And yes, it is influenced by what she sees on Instagram. And yes, it’s influenced by what she sees other girls wearing at school, or on TV, or whatever the case maybe. She wants to experiment. She wants to see how she can express herself with her clothes or jewelry or whatever she wants to try. Her expression may be things you do not necessarily like, but what I hear all the time is, “My parents are telling me I’m showing too much skin or trying to make a name for myself. I’m really not trying to dress that way it’s just that…” By all means, teach your daughter how to dress according to what you feel is appropriate, but also think about when there’s a time and place that she can really explore and express herself.

6. Sometimes she just wants to be alone.

She just wants some space to think. She doesn’t want you to worry. She doesn’t want you to think she’s depressed. What I hear come out in different ways is some girls are just introverts and they literally need the time to decompress and be alone. Some girls are processing the day and just want to sit and think or listen to music and let their mind process. It doesn’t say anything about you as a parent. They aren’t trying to be mean or nasty. They just want to be alone.

And here’s the funny thing, they know their parents need that down time, too. So then they don’t understand why they can’t have their time. “Dad needs his time to sit on the couch after work so why I can’t I? I know that mom needs me-time, why can’t I?” She will see herself in one of you and want the time as well. Giving her a little space to reset will go a long way in building trust and mutual respect.

7. She does not want to be responsible for your mood.

Just because she may be in a bad mood because she is hormonal, has a bad attitude, or whatever, she doesn’t want it to put you in a bad mood too. She really doesn’t want you to get upset just because she is. When you do, she starts feeling more pressure. It’s OK for you to still be happy when she has a funky attitude.

8. It’s awkward to talk about sex, but she really wants you to.

They want you to bring up sex. They want you to talk about it. They want to know how you feel about it. It’s awkward for them, too. They’re trying to figure out their own position on it. They’re trying to figure out what their beliefs are on it and what they think. What I’m hearing more and more now over the past three years or so is that a lot of teens are saying that our generation as parents is too judgmental. They want to talk to you about things like their sexuality and STDs. They find it unfair when they don’t hear it from you. So if you’re one of those parents who are hush-hush when talking about sex – don’t be. Don’t be afraid to bring it up. Be the parent. Be in charge. Yes, she’s going say it’s awkward and yes she’s going to say it’s uncomfortable, but I promise that she wants to talk to you about it.

9. She wants to talk to you without you freaking out.

I have girls tell me all the time, “I would talk to my mom but she’s just going to freak out. I want to talk to my dad but, oh my gosh, he’s going to freak out if I tell him this.” They say it all the time. They want to open up to you, but they already know once you hear about whatever it may be, it may make you “freak out.” That’s what they say, verbatim. So, in an effort to improve communication and strengthen your connection, really learning how to listen without freaking out will help open up the lines of communication.

10. She really wants to see you have fun and have your own life outside of being a parent.

You know as parents, we can sometimes really make it all about the kids, but not only does your teenage daughter want to see you have a life of your own she needs to see you have a life of your own. She needs to see that you are honoring your goals and dreams. If you’re chasing one of your own dreams or working on something you’re passionate about, you are also giving her permission to do the same when she is a parent. Don’t be afraid to have the girl’s night and date night. Have a fun life outside of being a parent. She will be totally fine with that. In fact, she loves that.

I’m on a mission to inspire girls to stand up and shine. I want them to shine from the light deep within that comes from knowing and loving exactly who you are and sharing that person with the world. If your daughter is struggling to discover her beauty on the inside, the uniqueness that makes her beautiful in her own right, we need to talk! Book a complimentary call here