How To Set Her Up For Success

FACT: The Teen Years are Not The Years For You To Back-off as a Parent

I get… she’s finally older and can stay home alone, make her own meals, order her own food, drive (or Uber) wherever she needs to go, and is very comfortable using the credit card that you provide. She is practically an adult and has achieved a certain level of independence. I understand this and know that it’s easier now to have more freedom as a parent…

I also know that despite what she is able to do because of her age, this is where when your presence matters even more than you may realize. This is because despite what comes out of her mouth, your teen really needs to know that you are there to support her. She needs to know that you are watching her and ultimately, that you really do care about her. Of course she knows that you do, but she still needs to be reminded because she is confused about so much of what is going on in her world that the fact that she knows you are there, loving her through it all, is huge for her.

Because of the nature of the world we live in, as teens get older parents get more and more disconnected and less involved in the day to day. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, you do want her to be ready to manage life on her own before she heads off to college, but want to challenge you not to do so at the expense of knowing who she is spending her time with and how she is spending her time.

You probably realize that the older your teen gets, the less she wants your advice. Don’t you cherish those days she actually comes to ask you what you think she should wear or what she should do about her relationship status? Those moments may not be as frequent as they once were, but know that you still can influence her and you still can leverage the fact you really are still able to have biggest impact on her life. Yes, even more than her best friend.

Here are things for you to remember:

1. Don’t take anything too personally.

2. Think about when you were a teen.

Know that your daughter will act up, she will do something out of character, she will make mistakes, or she may even have to learn some of the lessons you tried so hard to save her from having to learn. It doesn’t always mean that something is wrong, often it means that you have a daughter you care about and want to protect. Not a bad thing at all, that’s parenting after all. You still can use every lesson learned as opportunity to affirm her. An opportunity to let her know that you still love her, and an opportunity to connect even more with her. Your connection is your influence. She is listening. And she does care what you think very much of the time. I know because my teen clients tell me. She loves you and she loves knowing how much you love her.

Remember, your teen still needs you. Your teen is still counting on you and still valuing what you say, or noticing what you don’t say.