Beauty From Within

Society is a harsh teacher. It teaches us, and more importantly our daughters, that to be beautiful, a certain type of outward attractiveness is most desirable. That certain look varies and changes with popular trends. The biggest lie our daughters believe is the fact that beauty isn’t on the inside and she has to change who she is to reflect that. As her mother, it’s your job to show her what beauty on the inside means and what it really looks like.

Your daughter needs to see you working on yourself as much, if not more than, as you expect her to. The best part is it isn’t hard for you to start being a positive influence in this area.

Beauty is Irrelevant

While it’s true, beauty has some powers of attraction, it will never last. This is not to say your daughter, or anyone, will get ugly. It just means what was once thought of as beautiful and attractive will be different in a matter of weeks. Changing her hair color to orange is great for this month, but what happens next month when green is the new style? Instead of telling her a flat out no, why not suggest to her that her natural hair color is gorgeous? Help her embrace what she already has.

Being a certain size or weight has nothing to do with the relationships she has with her friends and family, her success in life, and so much more. Getting a nose job will not help her get that job she has her eye on. Having the perfect shoes is not going to be important when she is going bowling with her friends. Her physical appearance changes everyday. She shouldn’t assign so much importance to it.

What’s On the Inside

We’ve all heard the saying “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” While cliches may seem like silly sayings, most of them have merit to them. It really is what’s on the inside that counts. Your daughter could be the most attractive woman in history and it wouldn’t mean a thing if she doesn’t know how to connect with people. It will mean nothing if she screws over each and every person she meets.

Talk to your daughter about what beauty on the inside actually means. Let her know that being kind to others and keeping a positive, healthy mindset is important. Show her what giving to others without the expectation of receiving something in return looks like. Show her how to relate to others and be the kind of person other people love to hang around. Every time you start to think negatively about yourself, make a list of how you exhibit beauty on the inside. Show her your lists and have her make one of her own.

Your Daughter Looks To You

Everything you do, say, think, and how you act is being processed by your daughter. It’s a scary thought, but it’s true. Your daughter sees and copies everything you show her. It may not obvious, but it happens all the time.

How comfortable are you admitting to your own mistakes? Showing your daughter you own your mistakes and are willing to put in the work to correct them will make more of an impression than covering them up and pretending to be perfect. She will feel defeated and hopeless if she sees only your perfection and she can’t live up to it. It will make her feel like she isn’t good enough. And, when you set expectations for her, it will make them that much harder for her to achieve.

Let her see the mistakes you make. Show her how you go about fixing them. Let her into your world and share things with her. You’d be surprised how relieved and happy she is to hear you’ve make mistakes also. Her life will be richer and fuller when she knows and understands what it takes to fix the mistakes she makes. She will be happier when she realizes her beauty comes from how she feels about and responds towards herself and others and not solely based on what she looks like.

When she is stressed and what to do about it

How many times a day do you feel stressed out? Do you find that you need several moments to step away and take a breather throughout the day? Have you considered whether or not your daughter could be stressed out too? Is it possible that part of the reason you two don’t have the relationship you used to is because you’re both under a lot of stress and are emotional?

Taking time to step back and realize your daughter is just as, if not more, emotional and overwhelmed as you are can help change the way you interact with her and the relationship you two have. Consider how much more peace there could be in the house if you two took the time to see the other’s point of view and feelings.

Your daughter may only be a teenager, but she definitely has stress to deal with. It isn’t the same stress you’re experiencing, and it’s important to acknowledge that. You know how your husband or best friend can tell when you’re stressing out? And, while it is a bit frustrating being able to be read that easily, you are also relieved to hear them ask what’s wrong.

You start explaining the situation and end up talking for 30 minutes straight. By the end, you feel a whole lot better and grateful they invited you to open up to them. They may have even provided you with the perfect solution to take care of your stress levels.

Imagine being able to give your daughter the same feeling of support. Imagine if she were able to vent and open up to you without the fear of being judged. You would know what’s going on in her life instead of being shut out and worrying about what could possibly be happening. She would alleviate some of her stress. Stress affects everybody in different ways and learning how she reacts can be the difference between a cooperative household and a tense one.

Possible Stress Points

It’s possible you’ve even said the phrase “You’re only [insert age here], what could you possibly have to be stressed about?” In fact, many parents believe this is completely true. As the responsibilities pile up, you start to long for the stressors you dealt with when you were a teenager. When your daughter mentions she’s been feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, you tell her to enjoy her teen years, as she has no idea what stress really is. Afterall, she doesn’t have a demanding career or bills to pay, right?

Her reaction is to completely shut you out afterwards. When you minimize her feelings, she doesn’t want to share with you. You certainly didn’t mean to put her feelings down, and you are completely justified in feeling nostalgic over the lack of “real” stress you used to have. But, her feelings of overwhelm and stress are real. It is so important to remember that her experiences now have a real impact on her. Take a moment and think about all of the things she has to deal with.

Not only is your daughter managing school, homework, extracurricular activities, following the rules, dealing with siblings, friends, and boys. She is also thinking about her entire future, applying to college, figuring out what degree she wants to have for the rest of her life, and more! This is just the list for teenagers with normal lives. It doesn’t include any of the teenagers dealing with a divorce, gang violence, bullying, abuse, a disease, or any of the other number of challenging situations children find themselves in. If you put it all in perspective, it is a lot!

How To Tell If She’s Stressed

Each person deals with stress differently. There are many signals your daughter will give off when she’s stressed out and overwhelmed. The best way to figure out what they are is to pay attention. Ask her what’s wrong when you start to hear her sighing into her books. If she starts to continually eat or snack, even when she isn’t hungry, she could be developing an emotional eating habit.

An emotional eating habit can cause your daughter to become unhealthy, causing her to be even more unhappy and to avoid working through her problems. On the opposite side, make sure she’s eating something. Developing anorexia or bulimia is going to make dealing with the stress of life even worse. She’ll be stressed and hungry, while continually punishing herself and her body for wanting to eat.

If your daughter starts to have random outbursts or mood swings at random times, it’s probably a sign she is emotionally (and/or physically) exhausted. Blowing up over something as simple as spilled milk is a dead giveaway your daughter is under way too much stress. Being perpetually mad over nothing can be a big sign she’s struggling with her workload. If she stops showing much emotion, it could be a sign she’s shutting down emotionally and just doesn’t want to deal with any of it.

What do you do?

Let’s say you see these signs in your daughter: She’s been moody lately and has been eating pretty much nonstop. Instead of cornering her in the car, her room, or anywhere else she might feel the need to be defensive and attempting to force her to open up to you, let her know she has resources available to her to help her through what she’s feeling. Let her know you are available and remind her of how much you love her. Yes, you may get an eye roll, but still say it.

Give her a journal to write and work out everything she’s going through (and don’t snoop through it! We’ll go over why it’s important you keep her trust in a later post.) Let her know there are licensed therapists and psychiatrists at her school ready to help her if there is a need. Offer to research one and work with her to pick someone she’s comfortable talking to. Introduce her to a close adult friend she can confide in who won’t dish on everything she says back to you, but instead will help her through her problems. Let her know you’re open to talking and willing to help her with anything she needs.

Stress is an emotion everyone in the world deals with. The levels and type of stress differ for each person, but we all crave an understanding and caring person, willing to help us sort through the mess in our brains. Your daughter knows you love her and that you want to help. Don’t just hint at the fact that you’re there for her. Tell her outright that she’s able to come to you with anything and everything she may need. You will both benefit from working towards a deeper connection.

5 shocking things your  daughter isn’t telling you and what you can do about it.

It’s no secret that teenage girls are secretive. We see them quickly putting away their phones in our presence and trying to close their doors. You can’t help but wonder what they’re up to.

As a teen life coach, I’m privy to a lot of information parents don’t always have access to about their daughters. Some of this info you may know and some, I’m sure, has crossed your mind, but here are the five things your daughter isn’t telling you, but wants you to know.

2. She’s not trying to hide things from you.

She wants privacy because she wants to feel respected and trusted.

3. She kept the truth from you…because she knows you will freak out!

Or at least you act like you will in her, not so humble, opinion.  Sometimes you freak out about the smallest things and it makes her uncomfortable to bring the details of her life to you. She really wanted to tell you about her first kiss, but she knew you would ruin it. Your daughter also wants to tell you about the bad grade she got in Biology.  And the fight she had with her best friend.  But, she thinks you will take things a step too far by yelling and berating her, or even worse, trying to tell her how to fix it.

4. You don’t know what she’s going through.

She has to manage her regular and her digital life. You have absolutely no idea what that’s like because you weren’t born in the age of social media. Belittling her concerns about it, make her shut down. Social media is a very real thing for her generation and she just wants you to get that.

5. The stress she feels from girl drama and school issues is very real.

It causes stress and it shouldn’t be belittled. No, she doesn’t have to pay bills, but this is her life and she has to live in it every day. Remember when you were in high school? Remember how epic everything felt? She feels the same way. People are constantly reminding her that her choices now will shape the rest of her life, that’s some heavy stuff! And she knows she has to figure out her future, that stresses her out even more

It’s important to remember that soon your daughter will no longer live in your home, and she will be legally considered an adult. Start trusting her with more responsibility now and respecting her opinions. You may not always agree. There are certainly times you will have to override her decisions because you are the parent and it’s your job to keep her safe and your intention is to protect her first and foremost, even from herself.

   Open and honest communication is key to parent-teen relationship, because you’re teaching her how to navigate this world.  Don’t you want to know as much about her world as you can?

    “Because I said so” will complicate things and make her resentful. This is because she needs to learn the thought process behind your decisions in order to make informed decisions of her own when you’re not around to guide her. The more buy in you have from her, the more valued she will feel. Imagine how much easier it would be to enforce consequences for not following expectations when she was a part of the conversation establishing what is required of her? She will already know when she messes up and there won’t be anything to question. She may still roll her eyes when she walks away, (hey, she’s a work in progress) but the disrespectful tantrum can be avoided.
Basically, she wants to feel respected as she is learning to assert herself and find her way. She’s going to make mistakes, she’s not going to be perfect. It is possible to minimize the difficulty and negative impact that the teen years can have on the family.  And remember, this is only a season. It too will pass.

Everyone seems to be in a rush these days. Between school, work, social commitments, family, social media, and more, it means personal time is scarce, if at all. While it may seem productive and impressive to always be working, it’s actually incredibly harmful. The brain needs downtime to process all of the information it receives everyday.

Practicing self-love and self-care allows you to unwind, relax, and find new ways to respect yourself. It gives the brain that downtime it needs. As the mom of a teenage daughter, it’s incredibly important you not only talk about self-love with her, but that you also set the example of what practicing healthy self-love looks like.

Love Always Wins

If your daughter has self-love, she’s able to respect her time, her body, and herself more. She’s less likely to be prone to depression. She’s more likely to make health choices and do what’s best for her. This isn’t the solution to everything, but practicing self-love a few minutes a day can instantly boost her mood and confidence.

When your daughter has self-love, she’s able to go about her life in a confident manner. She starts to gain confidence in her abilities to make decisions and perform the skills she needs. She doesn’t tolerate other people trying to take advantage of her or put her down for being herself. She learns all of this from you and the way you love yourself.

Self-Love Practices

There are so many ways to practice self-love. Your daughter learns a lot by watching you and the way you act towards yourself. When you talk down about your body while you’re shopping, she internalizes that. When you put unhealthy food into your body and skip out on exercise, she internalizes that. Being a good example for her will not only improve your life, but will help your daughter improve hers.

The best practices are the ones she enjoys and gets excited about. It’s all about what gets her motivated to actually continue with them and make them a part of her everyday routine. The act of self-love shouldn’t be something which requires a ton of effort, and it doesn’t have to cost much either. But it does have to be intentional.  Whatever she chooses, it shouldn’t involve sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling through social media. She needs to step away from the screens and let her mind wander.

Some self-love practice ideas are:

Self-Love is the Best Practice

Your daughter’s life will be infinitely better when she loves herself. The best thing you can do for her as her mother is to show her how to love herself, by loving yourself. Take care of yourself. Schedule out personal you time. Let her know why you’re doing it and what it means for both of you. Not only will you be refreshed and ready to take on any of the obstacles that come your way, your daughter will respect you for putting yourself first. And, she will learn to do the same for herself.

Our children are important. While every aspect of that is true, they shouldn’t be the most important aspect in your life. This recent article from Smart Parenting breaks down exactly why you should focus on your marriage and yourself, before you focus on your kids. Loving yourself and loving your spouse gives your daughter an example of what a healthy relationship with yourself and your spouse looks like. It gives her an example of what to strive for and how to achieve it through following your actions.

Why more of our girls aren’t in leadership roles?

You throw like a girl

Girls are bad at math

Women belong in the kitchen

A woman can’t be president because they’re too emotional

These are just some of the unsavory and misguided words that come out of people’s mouths. I’ve not only heard these things from men but I’ve heard them from women as well.

It’s no secret, we live in a patriarchal society and although women and girls are making huge strides we still have a journey ahead of us.

These gender biases hurt leadership potential in girls. When she hears that she doesn’t throw well,  she shouldn’t be good at math, and she can’t be the president it sets a low standard. So it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that never had to occur in the first place.

So how can your daughter completely trample over these biases?

1. Expose her to different kinds of careers early. Everything from personal chef to architect. Let her know that nothing is beyond her grasp.

2. Reframe any self-deprecating speech she may have. Girls and women have a terrible habit of verbally ripping themselves to shreds to make others feel comfortable around them. Your daughter has the right to stand tall and to make her glorious presence known.

3. Challenge her. Sometimes she may feel like she can’t do something and she may want to give up. Encourage her to follow through and give her the resources she may need to be successful. Show her how to be resourceful and resilient.

4. Teach her how to negotiate. Also, don’t punish her for trying to negotiate. It can be tempting to use the “my way or the highway” approach but that stifles their ability to go back to the drawing board and to come up with an option that can work for the both of These are necessary skills your daughter will need in order to be a leader in the workplace or in her own business.

5. Find her a mentor. I’m sure you set an amazing example for your daughter, but a mentor can be invaluable. This person can be someone you trust and accomplished in an area your daughter is interested in. If you don’t know of anyone personally there are people you can hire. Invest in her and show her that her growth is worth the effort.

Does your daughter have these 5 essential leadership skills?

Leadership skills are a must for girls everywhere. Granted, everyone doesn’t want to be a leader and that’s okay, but these skills still need to be cultivated in order for her to take control of her own life.

These skills are essential for the girls who want to make an impact. I see it so often with my clients, they want to make their mark on the world but they aren’t sure where to start.

In order to be a leader amongst her peers, she has to possess certain qualities.

Here are 5 of the big ones.

Help your daughter develop these and she is on her way to becoming a great leader.

Vision-

She has to have a clear vision.  How is your daughter in this area? When she has an idea, does she know what to do next? Most importantly, does she follow through and take action to bring the idea to life?

Confidence-

Have you ever seen a timid leader? Maybe you’ve been part of a group where the leader wasn’t outspoken and lacked confidence. A lot of our girls struggle in the confidence department, but it’s necessary and the beauty is that this can be learned.

Decisiveness-

As a leader, your daughter’s  peers will look to her to make decisions. She must get comfortable with making decisions even if it’s not the popular one. Wishy-washiness will confuse the people around her and that can lead to a lot of drama within her group.

Accountability-

We know what it’s like to miss the mark sometimes. How does your daughter handle it? Does she use excuses or does she accept responsibility and come up with a game plan to do better next time?

Personable-

No one wants to work with someone they don’t like, and teen girls are certainly no exception. Your daughter can have the greatest ideas in the world, but if she isn’t approachable it can make her leadership dreams very difficult.

There are other skills that need to be cultivated, but starting with these five will give her the advantages she needs.

The world is ready for more girls to step up and be leaders. We have to do our best as parents to prepare them.